Luna Amadora

2005-09-02T08:16:00.000-07:00

My real blog is here: http://toolunar.blogspot.com

See you where the lunacy overflows!

2005-04-03T21:32:00.000-07:00

New blog. New blog. New bloooooog.

OVER HERE!

Soon, this too shall die.

2005-04-03T19:00:00.000-07:00

New bloooooooog.

OVER HERE!

Soon, this too shall die. =)

2005-04-03T05:33:00.000-07:00

New blog. New blog. Tralala.

Click here!

Soon, this too shall die. =)

2005-03-25T01:08:00.000-08:00

Freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeedom! So this is what you taste like. It's been a long time.

Stoked! Haha. I love Nanerz, Robin, Cam, Pia, Kat, Pasia, Pat O and Pat B. Stoked society and Brunch society rock.

I'm transferring to a new blog. Sooooooooooooon. Haha.

2005-03-15T22:11:00.000-08:00

Unable to concentrate on Noli, there are just too many chapters. I'll get back to it later. I just needed a break. Actually, I haven't even started. All I've done so far was to collect and organize all the learning packages they gave us. Just seeing all those chapters which seem ancient to me is so draining. And my LP's aren't even complete. Damn the de de Espadana's, from that chapter, I started losing the handouts. Hmph.

---

Just today, I was talking about how I have sudden bouts of missing people. I had a sudden "missing Cielo" bout in school today. And just now, I was staring at my wallpaper (Hardcourt, you guys are my wallpaper!) and I had a sudden "missing Hardcourt" bout. I haven't trained with them for what seems like so long when really, it's only been two weeks. I get home early, I have more time to sleep and study...but the day ends up to be less fulfilling than I can ever imagine. Ironic how my body aches more, I feel more tired, I feel like I have less time on my hands when there's no training. It's not that I'm just used to that routine, but I think that more than the hard work that we know we fulfill everyday, it's really the company that pushes me to work harder when I get home...all exhaustion aside. Can't wait to be with you guys again! And might I say, my wallpaper is really mesmerizing. Haha. It's during Ghostbusters when all your angles are perfect while Pauline and I are doing wonderful pikes. =) I miss you guys so much. I love you Hardcourt! Haha and I have a "gift" for you guys too, I just keep forgetting to bring it.

Feeling a bit nostalgic. I don't know if it's the lack of training or if it's just really a side effect of the exams. And I think I'm starting to get colds. Maybe I'm allergic to tests. Hmm.

2005-03-15T21:02:00.000-08:00

It's been concluded, after little observation, that I am a thin fat person. What's a thin fat person? A thin fat person is someone who can eat a Quarter Pounder, 6-piece Chicken McNuggets, 2 Cheeseburgers, 1 order of large fries and 1 regular (regular?!) Coke in one sitting faster than another person can eat 1 Cheeseburger. Haha. Well for someone who is conveniently called the "Trashcan" of the barkada, I'm not complaining. =)

Kudos to all you thin fat people out there. It's a fun life with food.

---

Exams na 'to. Just a few more days before I hit the summer sun...or before the summer sun officially hits me.

Here we go. The last review of World History and Noli Me Tangere for third year. Man, will I miss it. And at the same time, I can't wait to get it over with.

Hitting the books in awhile. Wish me luck.

"What a piece of work is man! How noble in reason! ...in action, how like an angel!"

2005-03-13T16:03:00.000-08:00

Wow, has anyone (aside from me) noticed that my posts haven't been written from 12 am to 5 am recently?

I haven't really "slept" since last summer. I used to be able to survive three straight days without sleep. But now, I think my body has finally grown tired of this Insomnia and it's been fighting it pretty well. I've been sleeping relatively early lately and even when I have to wake up already, I don't! Unlike before when I couldn't sleep no matter how much I force it, and I wake up at the earliest of hours. Now, I can't stay awake anymore, even when I force it. Finally, bumabawi na 'ko sa tulog. Too bad my body couldn't wait for one more week before catching up on sleep...I've been slacking off more than usual on the last weeks of school. Sleep has its bad side too. =T

Oh well, atleast I'll get taller. =)

---

This is torture. Sheeeeer torture. I can't wait to put the last period on the last paper of my last exam on the last hour of the last day of school. Once I'm free, I will run far far away, as far as I can get from that campus as possible.

Of course, it doesn't help that Greenbelt is right beside Sanlo, and that my friends live right in Sanlo. =T

Well anyway, off to Church I go.

2005-03-13T12:20:00.000-08:00

History pointers are insane. INSANE!!!

We watched King Arthur: The Untold True Story That Inspired The Legend last night. Interesting. Merlin was the leader of the Woads! And Guinevere was a Woad too. The Church was evil during the Dark Ages, Marius isn't a man of God and Alecto is an idiot. Dagonet, Tristan and Lancelot (Yes, Lancelot.) die. I liked them pa naman, sad. But atleast Arthur killed the leader of the Saxons; and the Woads, together with the remaining knights deafeated the Saxons all in all. And Bors, Galahad and Gawain survived too. Guinevere and Arthur were married by Merlin and "all Britons were united." And then the knights who died were reincarnated as great horses. Hahaha. And then we watched Titanic again. My sister and I always cry. =T

We're such losers.

I'm so excited for summer! I want to go to Bora! And Batangas with my friends. Oh yes! Sun, sand and surf, here we come! Go out every day and party party party all night. Can't wait! Haha.

It's getting so hot. We're supposed to be out of school already. Trrr.

Anyway, I'm hyper and hungry. =P

2005-03-12T15:24:00.000-08:00

Kalinga Luzon: "Transforming Despair into Hope"

Four major typhoons hit Luzon in late 2004, destroying 40,000 homes, killing crops and livelihood and taking more than 400 lives.

Kalinga Luzon Summer Youth Build of Gawad Kalinga aims to send thousands of young leaders to different places all over Luzon to help rebuild homes and bring back hope to the victims of the typhoons.

I was just thinking, the country's in its worst shape ever. More than 80% of the population is experiencing poverty, not to mention loss of dignity, yet the institutions that are supposed to help these people are riding on the fast-track to success (and wealth)...corruption. I've caught myself a thousand times saying that it's just plain hopeless. The solutions to our problems are so simple. Seriously, they are. I've made myself believe that what makes it so hard to put these solutions into action was how selfish and corrupt Filipinos have come to be. Natadtad na sa mga buto ng Pilipino ang korupsyon. It's idealistic, I know, but I always question what those leaders need so much money for. They acquire more money than they can spend in a lifetime. I just don't understand how selfish and cold-hearted people can be, or how stupid we can get by electing such people into position over and over and over again, or how we can just sit back, watch this happen, and not take enough of a stand against it.

Idealistic, yes. But a little optimism never hurt, right?

I think that's what attracts me so much to Gawad Kalinga. I've always thought that I can try to make a small difference, but realistically, it won't change the world. But I guess that doesn't really matter. Just thinking that the youth now exhibits such strong social concern is, I guess, a glimpse of hope for me. Because it really will be us who will be the leaders of the next generation. Maybe, just maybe, the little efforts of transforming disaster-ridden places to small homes can lead to transforming a corrupt community into an honest and solid society...and before leading to outward transformation, we would have already gone through a transformation within ourselves as well.

2005-03-11T21:17:00.000-08:00

Trrr. I thought I wouldn't have anything complicated to think about today. But my mind just keeps running on overdrive without any consent from me whatsoever, and it's very very annoying. Can't there be a switch to just turn this thinking thing off? =T

One of the many things running through my head, though: I don't believe in M.U. When you have a "thing" with someone, does that go along with the two of you being "together?" Let's say you like someone, and that someone likes you back. Then eventually, you develop a "thing." (Sige na, MU kung MU. Yuck.) Does that mean the two of you are pretty much "together?" It's just that it's not "official." As in, you're not allowed to see other people. Or you talk to each other every night. Or you have little petty annoying fights about how the other one didn't call when he said he would, or how someone doesn't reply to a message or something. What if one of you stops "liking" the other? What if one of you starts "falling" for someone else? What if one of you starts "falling" deeper into it than the other? Hmm. Wala lang. I just really don't believe in this MU shit. It's such a major cause of the "problems" people my age are going through, along with "unrequited love."

All ye who are guilty, say AYE!

Hmm, were those statements such fine manifestations of fear of commitment? And being flighty and fickle and inconsistent? That's Mic for you, then. =P

Wala lang. Really random thoughts. And oh, did you notice how many ""s there were in that whole paragraph? See how complicated this MU thing is.

But but but. Wait. Think about this: Fear can stop your love, love can stop your fear.

2005-03-10T23:07:00.000-08:00

Of promqueens and love. Exact same sentiment. In three days, it will have been two months. The past is back there, and my feelings are right here. They're right here but they're not the same. Vivid and painful, color that stings. You're long gone but you never left. I still feel you here, right here, singing for me. I still miss you a lot. And I quote, "I'll make up for it everyday." Because in three days, it will have been two months.

Of cages and suffocation. Few days to live through. With little air to carry on. Gasp, gasp, gasping for more. Only a little more. Breathing through a small hole with three things to pull me through. The moon, the stars and you. I can see you. Only eight more days I need to live through. Pull me through. Please, pull me through.

Of summers and the world wide web. Begin it where it last began. End it where it first began. Begin it where the last began? Where is that? Where are we? Where are you? Living under the same moon but separated by the stars. What do you see when you look up? I wanna know if you can see the stars tonight. The same stars I see tonight...tres estrellas tonight. I'm at a loss for words. I...I just want you to see. What can you see? Why can't you see?

It's a damned if I do, damned if I don't world out there.

And for the record, you and you are different people. =T

2005-03-09T21:58:00.000-08:00

Detachment from this reality, forget everything, transported into a new world of only you, me and the moon. Tonight, only tonight, coz all we have is tonight. Gazes fixed on each other, the only light shines from the full moon and the sparkle reflected in your eyes, the only sight is beauty, the only taste is the cherry from lips to lips, you fill me from the crown to the toe top full of passion, madness and love.

For love is not prosaic, not mundane, not characterless. It's graceful and rhythmical, with the harmony of a hundred harps and the voices of a thousand angels. It's elegiac and mournful, bringing the harshest nostalgia. It's ruthless and cruel, bloody painful as a million gashes that go way beyond the hurt and ache and sting of the skin. Waaay beyond it. It is art and music and heaven and hell and it is wordless...it is everything inside, outside and everywhere of you. It is everything. Love is my poetry. And dear, you make me feel oh so poetic. And it's oh so quiet here, save the resounding thoughts in my head and your singing, oh your singing! "Himala, kasalanan bang humingi ako sa langit ng isang himala?" Coincidence, you say. Coincidence is a myth. Nothing is by chance or by accident. Nothing is a fluke, occuring out of sheer luck. I don't believe I feel this by chance. For everything, a reason. Reasons unknown, reasons unreasonable but reasons nonetheless.

Fate or destiny or divine providence...either way, we are chained! For if we will, then fate must be false. If it's fate, then will must be false! We think we know but we have no idea, we think we're in control but damn it, we're just not. If everything is planned out beforehand, then day by day, I might as well live only to let this relentless thing called "fate" govern my life. But to be chained down and planned out? That's not my destiny. To change my destiny is to change the stars. Do I will it? I do. See it not, but I resolve for the heavens to make way for my plea. Orion's belt may not be the same anymore. I'll change my world for it resolves to change with me. And destiny governs me no longer, destiny goes against me no further. Alongside each other, we attempt to change the universe. For if I want something that badly, the universe conspires to give it to me.

2005-03-06T13:26:00.000-08:00

Ateneo prom last night. Yaayy. We all know I don't like getting into the details. So let's leave it at "Ateneo prom last night. Yaayy."

This is gonna be a quick let-out of what I'm feeling so if you don't understand, then too bad...and besides, I don't really care coz it's none of your business anyway, yes? =P Agh, I wanted to but no, I didn't. Damn, I'm such a good friend but such a bad person. I wish I could tell you and I wish I told her but really, I couldn't. I just couldn't. Hmm you're driving me insane, literally. You really really are. I wish I were one of the two but then, no I don't. But yeah, I really do. You send thoughts through my head a thousand miles per minute and you make my heart beat a million beats per second and oh oh, I love it but I hate it. Why does it have to be you, my dear? It would be so much easier if you were someone else. But then again, who ever said this had to be easy? But I'd hate it more if it weren't even this hard. And I wouldn't be feeling this way if it were someone else too. Hmm. I don't understand this. I don't understand myself. I wish I were one of the twooooooooooo. Yuup, wishful thinking. Really really wishful.

Ayy, I don't know. All I know is...............................

Yuup, that's all I know.

Yes, and it took me three minutes to type this...=T

2005-03-03T18:11:00.000-08:00

No sense of purpose. I see no reason to wake up anymore. I honestly honestly don't. All of a sudden, this cloud of uselessness hovers over me. I really feel as if I have no use anymore, or no means of further functioning for that matter. I just want everything to S.T.O.P.

WALA na talaga.

I don't understand anything. No explanations for why or how. As if all of a sudden, life has become...basta. A mere "basta."

I don't know why.

Please someone tell me this is normal. Maybe that's all I need to hear.

I need to find my purpose. I need to find a reason. I want my life baaaaack.

Whaaaaaaaaaaaat has gotten into me?

2005-03-02T23:11:00.000-08:00

Hahaha. Isang malaking WEH.

You did doubt. You were scared. And admit it, we made you cry. =) You had guys last year, didn't you? Oh hypocrite, hypocrite, hypocrite. We were so much better, and remember, the audience's approval is more important than that of three incompetent individuals. What have you got to show for that trophy? What have you got to back you up? Not even your own audience. Heck, not even your own team.

Tandaan: Second place is better than a biased first place win.

I can only wonder how you feel right now. Now when everyone deems us worthy of first place. Now when your victory isn't credible enough that it's actually subject to doubt and questioning.

Sure, I can't deny the fact that you were good. Because you were. And congratulations for that. But you can't deny the fact that we were better either. Because we were. =D

Oh that trophy really is a mere formality, isn't it? I'd rather have the support of the crowd over a trophy that I have nothing to show for. Wouldn't you? Thank you for feeding my ego and reassuring me that after all these years, this batch scared you to tears. And this batch beat you for that championship. The cheers speak for themselves. Because from what I can clearly recall, as they announced it...not even your crowd cheered out of disbelief.

See it on the 5th and judge for yourself.

Let's make a bet. Paghahandaan niyo kami next year noh? Hah. Isang malaking HAH.

And please, don't call yourself that. You haven't the slightest idea what it means. =)

2005-03-02T18:47:00.000-08:00

And yes, I just wanted you to notice. But you never will, like you never did. And oh, I wanna scream so loud and bang your head a million times on the wall to make you realize that I exist in this world of yours. But no, I just can't. You're just too out of reach. Way out of my league, and god, it stings to hear that phrase again. I can't grasp you even if I tried. You'll never hear and you'll never see and goddamn, you'll never feel.

What is this frustration? Won't it be much easier to ultimately escape from what I feeeel? But still, I choose to stay. Who am I to run away? Really. Turn my back on the one thing I want? Nuh uh, that's not me. But what do I end up doing? I sulk and whine and wallow in the deepest of my miseries, looking for compensation, waiting for someone to console me and pull me out of this wretched pit I've burrowed for myself. Pathetic, how pathetic. How gosh darn pathetic I am. Oh yes, that's definitely something I would do. =T Haven't I gotten tired of this? What else am I waiting for when I know that a fairytale ending will never come? Seriously.

I've gotten sick of hearing people say the most unreal and optimistic things to build up my hopes. What, is it so bad to greet the world with such pessimism? Yes, it probably is. But over and over again, I am told: "You never know." "You never can tell." Oh but damn it, I can tell. I can freely say the truth that my heart can't bear to accept.

Barely friends and nothing more. What the hell else are you looking for? I'll never get the break I want and what huh what's so wrong about being bitter when I have every right to be.

Do I honestly honestly think there's a chance?

A sudden outburst. Oh dear. That wasn't me. =T

2005-03-01T20:35:00.000-08:00

Alam kaya niya ibigsabihin ng "Sorry sorry."

Ayy. Nasabi lang eh. Mali. "Sorry sorry."

Hindi mo kasi alam. Kasalanan ko na hindi mo alam ang lahaaaaat ng nangyari. Kaya, "Sorry sorry."

Ang labas tuloy...Mayabang. Ingrato. Nagmamaliit.

Totoo naman diba?

Kaya, "Sorry sorry."

Pero please lang. " 'Wag kang lumaban ng patalikod." Baka magmukha kang tanga.

Sayang naman. Eh hindi ka tanga diba? Magaling ka, diba? Soooobra.

"Sorry sorry."

Kailan ba sinabi na hindi ka ganun kagaling? Kailan ba sinabi na 'wag ikaw ang pansinin? Ikaw lang naman ang nag-iisip nun eh.

Nakakaaaaaaaaaaaabarat ka naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Hindi ko matiis na makita ka araw-araw.

"Sorry sorryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy."

2005-02-28T16:33:00.000-08:00

Who shakes the best? Everyone knows it was a hands-down AC win. I want to meet those judges and see those scores because I've never felt so cheated in my whole entire life. AC deserved it, no doubt about it.

Congratulations Hardcourt and Pep Squad for a CHAMPION's performance. I'm so proud of you all.

Thanks Hardcourt for a year to remember, for a year of VICTORY. And thank you, Joei for everything. "Everything" doesn't even encompass what you've done for us. I love you guys more than words can ever say.

The tears and blood and sweat and bruises...everything was worth it. Everyone, EVERYONE knows that first place belongs to us.

2005-02-25T20:18:00.000-08:00

Between 7:50 and 9:20 in the morning last Wednesday, in the Music room with Mel and Pat...

"Hidden Track"

Hoards of frustrated faces around
Ears deafened from any trace of sound
Bodies numb from every touch
Suppressed desire to feel a rush

Like cold red blood, the ink seeps out
To stain this empty desolate drought
Feelings grow intensely greater
Thoughts pour out as pen kisses paper

There's a hidden meaning to this, see if you can figure out what it is. And no, it's nothing perverted. =P

---

Have you ever been in the center of an arena? Feeling the heat of the spotlight strike your eyes. Drops of sweat trickling down your body. When all you can hear are the faint cheers of the crowd behind you. When all you can see are the blurred images that barely even register in your mind. When all you can feel is the loud thumping, the pounding of your heart...each beat provoked by a mix of unconceivable emotions. Emotions that fill you to the brim that you're ready to burst out with an aggravated scream or explode with anxious tears.

The music blares from the speakers but in truth, you hear nothing. Your nerves fail you and your brain shuts down on such short notice, refusing to send or receive messages to and from any part of your body. But you feel confident, assured, guaranteed. Each shift is instinctive. Your body knows perfectly what to do, exactly when to move. And that divine smile on your face has never been so real. You move with such grace and sharpness, each snap and punch is done with such poise and precision that you can feel all eyes on you. With each rustle of the red and white crepe papers, each swoosh of the silky ribbons, each completed pyramid and each shake of those skirts come dropped jaws and strident cheers from the audience that watch in awe. Enthralled. Captivated. Mesmerized by you.

But before you know it, it's all over. You remember nothing. You stand in the center of the arena, sweat trickling down, cheers fading in the background, the bright spotlight hitting your eye and bouncing off that shiny trophy you hold in your hand. In a moshpit with the people you've learned to love oh so well, a tear falls and you know it's confirmed...

Who shakes the best?

2005-02-22T01:29:00.000-08:00

Oh oh, have you seen my Luna lately? Beautiful, yes?

*Domdidomdidomdidom! Kitchen kapitbahay! Haha, here. Special mention =P*

What can I do to make you love me? What can I do to make you care? What can I say to make you feel this? What can I do to get you there? Works so well in timely moments.

If I can't make you love me, then is it right to simply forget this feeling? Deaden the screams that work their way through my blood. Stop it. End it. Bring it to a complete and sudden halt. Because I have to? Only because "it's not supposed to?"

Oh my dear friend, I agree. Boo taboo. How can love be forbidden? How can love be wrong? Who are they to say who is deserving and undeserving of my love? Who are they to dictate to me who can and cannot love me? Who are they to set boundaries on the love we offer and the people who receive it? It's love, for chrissake. God knows this is what the world needs most, and yet they aim to deprive people from experiencing the real love that waits on their every footstep.

And yet, why do we bother to listen? We listen to them even when love burns so strongly within us. We listen to them even when holding back is killing us softly. We listen to them even when recurrent emotions bang on our hearts and drive us up the wall. We listen to them despite the clamor of truth within us, telling us to feel.

Soon, soon...I hope. I cannot, will not let this stay bottled up inside of me. Or else it will burst out from every bit of my being to leave a tremendous scar that can no longer be mended, a scar of remorse and regret. If you let me leave a tiny scar on you, then pain as you know it will never be the same. And you will never again know "pain" for the rest of your life.

---

You. =T

I don't want to grow fearful of loving and hurting again...whether I love the wrong person at the right time, or the right person at the wrong time. It's true, I've never stopped loving you. I only learned to live without you. Those songs, the lyrics...they still etch images in my mind and set fire on my heart. I'll never completely get over you...and yes, once in awhile, I still cry when I remember.

But we're okay. I'm okay. Two wrongs make it all alright tonight. We share the sadness. The split screen sadness.

2005-02-21T20:58:00.000-08:00

Oh look what I did in Chem class today...

Ooh spacing out and shutting down in class. Space cadette-ing through the world of Gas Laws and Constants, hearing theorem after theorem till the din dies down to a soft hush. Fantasizing, dreaming, mind flying, itching to get out of this dull brown chair, away from this mundane boring reality that is locking me up, caging me in, wrapping me in a too-tight strait jacket with a choker hacked around my neck. Suffocating...close to death through asphyxiation.

Ahh but no! My thoughts are too strong, feelings burn with too much passion to be contained in such a routine. My mind flies out, breaking through the glass of these fragile windows, off to the sky above the free careless world. "So close I can almost taste it"...the sweet summer, the scorching heat, the long hours spent busily doing nothing. Oh I've missed those nights spent talking, just talking. Thinking of useless things, looking back and looking forward to this world and beyond. Oh I've missed meeting strangers and remeeting old friends. And the summer flings and first heartaches too. There's something about the summer air that makes the sand whiter, the water clearer and the people more out-of-this-world. And while the days are long and the night breeze cool, the sun is high and so is the moon, the stars flicker brightly and the people are hottah hottah...we'll savor summer and never let go of each grain of memory that it brings.

*wham* "Goodbye and thank you, ladies."

2005-02-21T00:46:00.000-08:00

Can't fill this void. I've been forcing myself to think about something else. And the force is working. Three million thoughts a minute running through my head. They don't make sense and neither do you. So what difference does it make? Blah blah blah. The full moon will be out soon. Oh yes, I've been waiting for you.

Gabby asks, "Why is it that Ateneo is open only to male students?" Same goes for AC, how come its an exclusive girls' school? I couldn't really think of any rational answer. We are isolated from the opposite sex because boys are nasty nasty nasty and sex is bad bad bad. We are made to "suffer" through puberty by being excommunicated from the opposite sex. Or maybe it's just so the country's population can be filled with more homosexuals. Guys as pretty as Keanu Reeves will turn out to be bisexual and girls as beautiful as Angelina Jolie will find the thrill in girl-to-girl relationships. If you find an answer that makes more sense than mine, then please, enlighten me. I'm sure it wouldn't be so hard.

Oh, you're thinking of who? And yes, I'm thinking of you. Curse you, cow that jumped over the moon! Jump under it, next to it and finally over it...to think that you're only a cow. Gimme a shot, I think I know what you're looking for.

And all my thoughts have disappeared, save the ones about you. Hmm hmm, I want you to be there on Sunday. But no. You probably won't.

It doesn't matter. I'll dance for you anyway, and no one will ever know. For a short nine minutes, I'd forget this emptiness. But the last pyramid will signal the return of this desolate heart.

2005-02-20T23:32:00.000-08:00

A little past ten this evening, it struck again. A feeling so out of this world, I can't even find words for it. It stings, it's bitter, it makes me cringe that I look a bit autistic. It makes me crank up the volume on perfectly worded Dave Matthews songs and sing to them like a psycho mutineer. At certain points, I felt like crying. But strangely enough, I just end up staring jadedly at this stupid bright monitor. Ayy, icky drama bullshit. You are icky drama bullshit. Could icky drama bullshit be conveniently translated as love? Ha. Oh bitter sweetness and sweet bitterness. Leave me be! I hate the feeling of loneliness, and yes, I'd do anything to fill it in.

I want you to see me so badly. But you don't. You just don't. You are unrequited love like any other I've felt before. Love? This harassing ache that brings much misery and woe is being rendered as love. Never do we stop questioning if this love is real. If this love is real, then this love should wait. I've been waiting. Haven't I waited long enough? I'm getting impatient. I'm tired of killing time for you. But this will have to linger much longer, I'm afraid. What if this love isn't real after all? Oh this love is surreal! But oh, this is bona fide love.

In your hands, I feel no suffering. With your presence comes a heavy feeling...maybe telling me that I can never have you. But I want you too much to give you up. More than the wretchedness, you make me want to fly. And fly I will. Up up and away to the moon. I'll come back for you, take you there and back again, and up again and back, and again and back, and again and back...

I don't want to feel lonely anymore. =(

2005-02-20T18:50:00.000-08:00

Often, we fall in love with the person we think we love only to discover that to them, we are just for past times...while the one who truly loves us remains either a friend or a stranger.

Solid nga, Mariana.

Wake up. A stranger is in love with you. Wrapped in mystery, neglectfully singing your feelings, crying the night away...you intrigue me. By the universe, I am isolated from you. But every night, we look up at the same stars, at the same moon. Then, I'm not such a stranger after all.

Look at how she listens. She says nothing of what she thinks. She just goes stumbling through her memories, staring out onto Grey street. She thinks, "Hey, how did I come to this? I dreamed myself a thousand times around the world, but I can't get out of this place." There's an emptiness inside her, and she'd do anything to fill it in. But all the colors mixed together - to grey. And it breaks her heart. How she wishes it was different. She prays to God most every night. And though she swears it doesn't listen, there's still a hope in her "he" might. She says, "I pray. Oh, but they fall on deaf ears. Am I supposed to take it on myself to get out of this place?" There's a loneliness inside her, and she'd do anything to fill it in. And though its red blood bleeding from her now, it feels like cold blue ice in her heart. When all the colors mixed together - to grey. And it breaks her heart. There's a stranger who speaks outside her door, says "Take what you can from your dreams. Make them as real as anything. It'd take the work out of the courage." She says, "Please! There's a crazy man who's creeping outside my door. I live on the corner of Grey street and the end of the world." There's an emptiness inside her, and she'd do anything to fill it in. She feels like kicking out all the windows and set fire to this life. She could change everything about her, using colors bold and bright. But all the colors mixed together - to grey. And it breaks her heart.

And the words drip beautifully like fresh paint on canvas...

Oh oh, I love Dave Matthews.

2005-02-18T22:56:00.000-08:00

I am unwritten, can't read my mind. I'm undefined. I'm just beginning. The pen's in my hand, ending unplanned. I break tradition. Sometimes my tries are outside the line. We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way. Staring at the blank page before you...open up the dirty window, let the sun illuminate the words that you cannot find. Reaching for something in the distance, so close you can almost taste it. Release your inhibitions. Feel the rain on your skin. No one else can feel it for you. Only you can let it in. No one else, no one else can speak the words on your lips. Drench yourself in words unspoken. Live your life with arms wide open. Today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten.

Nice song, I have to admit.

To think out of the box. To craft from nothing something you own, to give yourself a little immortality...or that single thought, atleast. Thoughts, feelings uniquely you. Nonsensically sensible. I wish to express them perfectly, with words coming from the heart and not the mind. Manifested clearly on paper and not vaguely by mouth. Visions are inspired and dreams are made, thoughts are triggered and emotions are provoked by simple words from people so diversely parallel. Pouring out thoughts onto paper as if there is no tomorrow and to look back and say, "Those were mine." Sentiments so flawlessly articulated, zeal so perfectly felt and passion so faultlessly personified. But words fail me. They hide from hindsight, stealing away another chance to immortality. I preserve the thoughts in my head, vowing to pour them out at a timely strike. It won't matter that it makes no sense to anyone else because it makes sense to me. Oh, but how amazing it is to hear from someone who shares the same sentiments that she couldn't have said it better herself. The amazement in crafting from nothing, to give myself a little immortality...to think out of this box.

2005-02-18T00:49:00.000-08:00

Let the eyes speak seven words of a dream. Let the eyes hear you floating there in your beautiful space...while I jump to reach you but I'm too little. You fly higher, my wings are tired. I'm bound to the ground while you are floating. Let it go, I'll savor this like you're a drug. What is joy if not for pain? Who would we be? Patience, way over there. I can't see him clearly. Come closer through the skin, to the spirit...while I jump to reach you but I'm too little. You fly higher, my wings are tired. I'm bound to the ground while you are floating.

Reality will never capture moments from a dream as surreal as you.

I worry, I throw my fear around. By the time I recognize this moment, this moment will be gone. But I will bend the light pretending that it's somehow lingered on with "all-I-got's." And I will wait to find if this will last forever. And I will wait to find if this will last forever. And I will pay no mind when it won't. And it won't. Because it can't. It just can't. It's not supposed to.

Is anything enough to kiss the ground?

I've chased the moon long enough. Its beauty hangs so high, and so do my hopes. Only to fall from such great heights, will I ever bounce back from you? Won't you give me a chance to catch you just once? To speak the infinite words your ears have longed to hear, the words my lips have yearned to utter. To show you beauty beyond the stars in the darkness. To listen to the music of hearts long forsaken, of souls long repressed, of welled-up eyes long deserted by undemanding gazes toward the heavens.

The words flashing before your eyes mean nothing. You read them, naive to the fact that they are directed to you. If they are unable to hit even a nerve, how will it strike a pulse? You'll never see the tears, or hear the cries, or sense the solitude beneath my smile. You'll marvel at Luna with me, oblivious that you are the Luna I long to own. But you are not mine. You belong to your sky, to your heavens where the stars lie shadowed by your brightness. There's no chance of you ever seeing a minuscule spectator. Of thousands that awe at your beauty, there's no chance of you ever stealing a glance at me.

I dare not break down the barriers that keep our worlds apart. To swallow my emotions feels like taking a stab at my own heart, yet what other choice is there? The heavens were never meant to fall on earth. And Luna was never meant to forsake the night and leave it with sheer darkness.

To fall towards you is to drop a deadly bomb. It's already too late because I've plummeted fast to the ground. What makes it painful is my effort to silence the explosion.

2005-02-14T23:22:00.000-08:00

Helluva night, that night. So is this.

Prom night was fun. Let's not delve into the details, shall we? The cliche prom movie-moments struck at the most unexpected times. Something in the air that night really carries you away. Amid the awkward silences, self-admiration (=P), space-staring, moon-gawking, star-gaping, eye-gazing, picture-taking, nonstop laughter, ultimate bonding and dot dot dot was the magic that prom night truly brings. Thank you friends, for making that night utterly fun and unforgettable. BLAH. =)

-----

Hmm. What is it today again? Oh yeah. IT'S FEBRUARY THE 14TH. You know what that means, don't you? Nine months till my birthday!

Besides that, it's Valentine's day. =/

Where's the love?

Contrary to my personal belief, Valentine's day is still very much alive. Sickening how couples swarm the malls on a Monday night just to celebrate such a BLAH holiday. Maybe, just maybe, the smoke caused by the bombings in Makati were drugged to make us feel such BLAH emotions. Strange really, that some people unconsciously become saccharine sweet to the point of vomiting on this certain day. Or quite the opposite, a fair percent of the population expose their utter bitterness.

Unfortunately, I should be part of that population. Pardon the exposure of personal feelings. What other outlet do I have?

You. I blame the air. It carried us away. Twas a night of oblivion, we were totally cut off from reality. I blame our youth. The raw, naive emotions that pound away within us, itching to be released. Excuse the teenage rituals caused by curiosity and stupidity.

You. Does forever lie in the mind or the heart? Or did forever just slip from your lips? And the clobber of the feelings we couldn't keep inside toppled off the lid to flow to your fingertips. And then the night was over and forever was gone. But where have we gone? You are gone. We don't know what we're missing together. I should've made it as clear as I want it to be right now: I miss you, dear. That's as platonic as I want it to sound.

You. I blame my foolishness and your idiocy. How can one be as blind as the other is keen? Strange how life lets things unfold...parallel beings never see eye to eye. I blame the moon. You're carrying me away towards the majesty of the sky but how long will I feel your grasp? Shall your weariness let go of me in the middle of the flight, to fall back towards the earth or to be lost forever in the eternity of the universe? What shall I have left to fall back on if you've left me hanging in mid-air? Waiting in uncertainty is making me cringe. For the uncertainty is there because of me. To catch your eye and steal a glance, to squeeze in a tiny little smile, to pilfer a few more glances and several more seconds of your time with the rest of the world...tasks that threaten to exhaust me from my limbs. You fly too quickly...easier to keep up with because I myself am flighty but too abruptly do your phases change that I still can't get a grip. Why do I still bother to try? Riiight, your infinitesimal presence is more than enough to keep me hooked. Sober me up, I beg you and snap me out of this. The bliss and misery coincide and thanks to you, the idiot in me wins again.

Idiots. Aren't we all idiots in the game of love?

"But love is blind, and lovers cannot see the pretty follies that themselves commit."

It's bad enough that I'm falling, worse that I'm falling fast, suicide that I'm falling fast in different directions.

"Happy" Valentine's Day.

Kudos to those people who can say that with no bitterness, shame or ill feelings at all. Me, not being one of them, apparently.

But oh, happy third anniversary to Kat, Robin and I. Love you guys! The best threesome has endured the first three years. Looking forward to more 0214's with you! =) Mmmwah!

2005-02-12T00:17:00.000-08:00

PROM NIGHT and it's still you.

Such a long time since I last blogged, it seems. Nine days?

The emptiness? The loneliness, perhaps. In you shall I find refuge from these sentiments that sting. The thought that nourishes my mind, the emotion that feeds my heart, the thorny drive within my very being revolves around you. In your happiness, I planned to seek my own. On the contrary, your contentment is eating me up inside. Masticated and swallowed by the wrath of envy. The sweet taste that once had teased my tastebuds has turned bitter. And I have turned sour. What in this world would it take for me to just be unaffected by you?

Wrong again. Always and forever disappointed. The kind of attraction I always feel never ceases to pose such insermountable boundaries. Will there ever be an escape from it? Or a way to break the walls down, at least?

I want you now. You alone and no one else.

It hurts to even think that this is a dream. It is merely a dream. I will never touch the palm of your hand, nor get near enough to clearly hear your whisper.

You'll never be mine. And there's nothing I can do about it.

It's PROM NIGHT tonight and I'm still thinking of you. This longing for you is agonizing, yet at the end of the day, it's the exact same thing that makes everything alright. I'll sleep to dream and hopefully, it's you I see. For tis only in dreams that this can ever be.

2005-02-02T22:43:00.000-08:00

Okay, that's it. What have you done to the real me?!

Talk to me. I want to know if you're there. Blow a little whisper my way. Let a gust of wind bring a breath of your air toward me. Watch me shiver from that tingle you bring up my spine. For a moment, you are mine. Every bit of you fits perfectly. Except for a chip or two that broke off a couple of years ago, from which you have yet to bounce back from. I don't mind. That fragment makes you all the more perfect, I say. Intricacy and simplicity have found their balance in you. I'm dying to let you know why this makes me so angry. Unfortunately enough, I'm dying to find that out for myself as well.

Her sword drops to the ground with a loud clang that could be heard throughout the deafening silence of the desert. She had lost a battle that hadn't even started. Worst of all, she did not lose to an oblivious opponent...rather, she had lost to herself. She wasn't strong. She was no longer courageous and unafraid. She did back down. And to top it all off, she no longer knew of the clarity that she used to be, only moments before her shameful defeat. She became torn pieces of paper blown by the wind to a million different directions, never to find the missing pieces, never to be whole again. She had become, like him, an enigma...but without the intricacy, without the beauty, and without the perfection.

You are all forms of beauty manifested. You are passion personified. You are the embodiment of all emotions unknown to man. The drawback? You are not mine when I say so. You are only mine when dreams permit.

2005-02-02T00:01:00.000-08:00

I tried to fight it but the feeling's just too strong.

If I could put my emotions into words as well as Arthur Golden can, then my life would be in a much happier state of being. I don't think I could have put it any other way.

I couldn't ignore it any longer. I wanted to turn away from it; but I was as powerless to stop that feeling from taking over my heart as the wind is to stop itself from blowing. This is why dreams can be so dangerous. They smolder on like a fire does and sometimes consume us completely.

2005-02-01T16:42:00.000-08:00

I miss summer. I miss waking up in the late mornings and early afternoons and having nothing to watch but the Nick Jr. shows. (Little Bill, Gullah Gullah Island, Dora the Explorer! Haha.) Well, it's the first day of February and I can taste more and more of summer each day.

Yesterday, after borrowing (without asking) a labgown for our Chem practicum, I sat bored out of my wits in the lab. I was daydreaming and doodling your initials on the back pages of my notebook. I'd look up from my daze once in awhile to see what the girl in front was doing, but after a few moments, I'd try to focus my thoughts back to you. That, of course, wasn't a very hard thing to do. That page was filled with letters all pertaining to you by the time the short lecture was done. And before I knew it, it was time to start the experiment. I closed my notebook shut and noticed something I hadn't seen for a long while. Something I wrote on its back cover when the school year started. "Is it not worth the risk?" written with black permanent ink. Fading now is that simple line and the sentiment that it came along with.

It got me thinking. Aren't you worth the risk? A million times, I've told myself that. I would've had an easier time if my emotions had all pulled me in the same direction, but it wasn't that simple. I'd been blown about like a scrap of paper in the wind. Somewhere between the various thoughts about Shylock, about the past and about what lies in the future - nestled a pleasant thought I tried again and again to bring into focus. It was about you. In isolation, I'd say your name aloud over and over till I'd hear the music in every syllable, then I'd be satisfied. I know that you're worth the risk. But the question is whether I am willing to take it or not. Shall I suffer the haunts of what could have been? Or shall I choose to make these flights of imagination concrete?

If you're so worth it, why am I so scared of taking this chance? My thoughts, my feelings are in fragments I can hardly piece together.

The moon this evening will pour her silver light from the window.

2005-01-30T16:17:00.000-08:00

Pati tayo natangay.

Yesterday was fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun. Sleep all day and party all night. Tama si Jaja, dapat gumawa na lang ng sariling tipar. Hehehehe. 'Nuff said. =D

Sayang. Hinanap pa naman kita kagabi...pero wala ka rin naman pala. Halatang-halata na ikaw yung gusto kong makita. Pero kahit isang beses, hindi lumabas ang pangalan mo sa bibig ko. Sa kotse pa lang, ikaw na yung una kong naisip eh. Siyempre, nang-asar pa yung buwan diba? Nagpakita siya kagabi na para bang nanunukso. Kaya inisip ko na baka sinesenyasan nako ng tadhana. Baka sakaling makikita kita nung gabing 'yon. Lagi namang ganun eh. Baka sakali. Hindi ko naman matanong kung nandun ka ba o wala. Tingin ako ng tingin, ang daming nakita maliban ang mukha mo. Umasa ako na nandun ka, na hindi lang kita makita kasi bulag ako. Pero nakasigurado lang ako na wala ka nga, nang sa wakas ay lumapit kami sa may hagdanan. Pangatlong beses sa isang araw, hindi na naman kita naabutan. Nakakaasar na 'yang buwan na 'yan. Lagi akong pinapaasa. Para bang may gustong sabihin. Parang may gusto siyang ipaalam sa akin. Parang may gusto siyang mangyari. Pero hanggang pag-asa lang. Hindi na lalagpas dun. Hindi na hihigit pa sa pag-asa't paulit-ulit na pagkabigo. Kung madali ka lang sanang makalimutan, matagal na kitang kinalimuitan. Pero kahit anong pagsubok ko, bumabalik at bumabalik lang rin sa 'yo. Wala naman akong magagawa. Bawal eh. "Off-limits" ka nga daw, ika nga. At off-limits din ako sa 'yo.

Ang hirap matanto na siya lang ang nakikita mo. Na tulad ko, paulit-ulit ka ding nabibigo sa kanya. At tulad ko muli, hindi ka sumusuko. Sinasabi mong patalikod na mahal mo siya. Dahil hindi mo masabi sa harap niya. Parang ako. Hanggang sa malayo lang, patalikod lang ang pagkagusto ko sa 'yo. Hindi kita pwedeng lapitan. Sa bagay, hindi din naman kita kayang lapitan eh. Nakikita ko ang pagkalungkot mo. Nakikita kong nasasaktan ka. Naiinis akong marinig ang mga tanong mo...kung hindi ba sapat ang pagkatao mo para sa kanya. Pero naisip ko na 'yun din pala ang nararamdaman ko para sa 'yo. Na hindi ako sapat. Kaya kahit isang maikling paglingon, wala kang maibigay. Nakadikit na ang mga mata mo sa pagtitig sa kanya. Hindi mo na maialis ang iyong pagtuon sa kanya. Siya. Siya. Siya. Palagi na lang siya. Minsan ko nang naitanong sa sarili ko...hindi ka ba napapagod? Pero naisip ko ulit...kung hindi ako napapagod sa 'yo, eh di malamang ay hindi ka pa rin mapapagod sa kanya. Sana lang malaman mo...higit ka pa sa nararapat. 'Wag mo sanang isiping kulang ka.

Kung sana lang ay pansinin ka na niya. Para tuwing nakikita kita ay masaya ka na at hindi ka na nasasaktan. Para alam kong hindi mo na siya iniiyakan gabi-gabi. Para alam kong hindi lang hanggang panaginip ang kasiyahan niyong magkasama. Mas madali na kitang makakalimutan. Liligaya na din ako dahil alam kong kontento ka na, na masaya ka na, na nakita mo na ang matagal mong hinahanap. Hindi na babalik-balik ang pag-asa na laging nang-aasar sa 'kin. Hindi na 'ko maaapektuhan sa pagtutukso ng buwan bawat gabi na makita ko siya. Hindi ko na mararamdaman yung biglaang udyok na umiyak.

Kung 'yun ang solusyon, sana makita na niya. Kung mayroong mas bagay na mangyari, sana mangyari na. Para lahat tayo, muli nang sumaya.

Tinatawag kita. Sinusuyo kita. 'Di mo man marinig. 'Di mo man madama.

Pahabol.

2005-01-29T06:55:00.000-08:00

Pahabol.

I am completely certain that I accurately figured out that code of yours the first time I saw it. Five seemingly innocent letters. Then again, with you...nothing is innocent. A hidden meaning behind everything. And again, the attraction grows. Your mystery expands and I wonder when it will encompass too much to keep track of. Five letters that clearly spell out to me what she can't even see. I don't understand how she cannot take notice of you. It's my fault, I reckon. All the attention that she could have given to you was stolen by me. No one might be able to focus so much interest on you than I could (with only one special exception that I cannot speak of)...so much that you appear everywhere, you are heard in all corners, that tingle that flows up my spine due to your presence never really leaves. Your grasp on me has become too tight to let loose from. Too tight that you really will never know you even had your hands on me. Too tight that you have become numb to the emotions I have even before they managed to surface.

You are impossible. You're the exception that proves the rule. You are the everything to my nothing. And the nothing to their everything. You're the paradox that clears up my confusion. You're the clarity that causes excessive perplexity. You're the breakable code and unsolvable puzzle. My missing piece that cannot complete the picture. My everywhere and nowhere. My familiar stranger. My heaven and hell. My company in solitude. My silence in confrontation. My novilunio and plenilunio, the new moon and full moon...and everything in between.

You're always away.

2005-01-29T06:30:00.000-08:00

You're always away.

Knowing you're there yet knowing something that goes along with that. You're there yet away, drowning yourself in what else but that one single thought. I hate the feeling. I hate having to hold this frustration back. I have enough of it with the supposed wrongness of what I feel for you yet this has to add up to it. You don't realize it. You never will. I will never allow you or anyone else, for that matter, to ever know. How will it ever hit you that you're making yourself suffer, that you need no one else to ease your pain but yourself, that you're simply putting this upon yourself as I am right now? How can you keep saying that you can't take it anymore, when you constantly force yourself to endure such pain? How will you ever be able to see? It's right there, dear. Don't purposely blind your eyes from it. Don't run away from something that's already there. You don't have to look much further. What you've been looking for has been there all along, so distant yet so close. You've been looking in all the wrong places. And you end up on the starting line but again. Circles again and again, leading right back to where you began...when will it ever end? For both you and I. I don't like seeing you hurt. But I can't do anything about it. I mourn with you without you knowing, I feel the pain I know you're feeling. You feel for her what I feel for you. Yes, I know it hurts. I know it's painful to feel helpless. When you can only mask your emotions in mere codes, symbols that you hope everyone and no one would understand, signs you want her subconscious mind to recognize in order for her to see you just as you see her. There's no doubt that it really is hard to be alone. Unwanted memories come crashing back, unsolicited emotions resurface.

I'm so stressed.

2005-01-27T04:19:00.000-08:00

I'm so stressed!!! Grawrr. =/

We went to Mt. Makiling today for our field trip. Boy, was it fun. =D And exhausting. We trekked the mountain! But the best part, without a doubt, was reaching the creek. I haven't appreciated nature this much for a long time. The water was so cool, it was calm, uplifting, refreshing. I literally lost the nagging feeling of hunger...er, STARVATION when we got there. The atmosphere was just perfect...plus the wonderful company. How can you go wrong? The trek up the mountain was exhausting. It was fun though because my class is so amusing. I got to bond with several people, even those from other sections. =P I missed all my other friends so much. I barely get to talk to them anymore. Thank God for this break from the workload, even for just one day. Anyway, the trip down was great too because I got to bond with my barkada a bit. We all just kept on acting like idiots. And we laughed a whole lot. When we got to the bus though, we all just transformed into pigs and ate ate ate. Haha. Then we slept the rest of the way back to AC...except for Roxy and Nerizze whose loud voices made it so hard to fall asleep. Haha. =) Haring ibon. The Earth is our madder. =P Bus two? San na? Bastusan na! Haha. You just gotta love it.

---

AND I'M STILL STRESSED!!! =/

RAMBLINGS FROM NAPKIN PAPER

2005-01-26T02:41:00.000-08:00

RAMBLINGS FROM NAPKIN PAPER

I don't recall ever raging with that much anger and aggravation. Immature. Illogical. Inconsiderate. Unreasonable. I cannot fathom why you are doing this to us. You cannot punish us for something that we didn't do, let alone condemn us for our actions because you would have done the same thing given the circumstances. Open our minds? Why don't you try opening yours? As much as you pretend to listen, you've been turning a deaf ear and a blind eye towards us. The parameters you are setting for us go against all the things that you teach. They inhibit our growth, as a matter of fact. There isn't even a logical reason behind it. We cannot grow without support. Neither can we start walking before we learn to crawl. Do you expect to cut off the traditions that have been carried on for God knows how many years...the exact same traditions that made you known? Frankly to say, I don't give a damn if you were bitched on...but don't take it out on us.

On my way home, I was stark raving mad. I would have shut up sooner if I weren't being fed the notion that we were right...which we were. =P And even in the midst of my sheer fury, You still found a way to bleed into the picture. My heart was palpitating with anger and one glance at the moon gradually slowed it down. One fleeting look, MY Luna calmed me down. Full moon was out tonight. She was as beautiful as ever. Heartbreaking how I couldn't shift its magnificence into something more tangible. She rose high and shone brightly. The moonbeams reached so far down...far enough to hit my senses and trigger all these thoughts and emotions once more.

You are everywhere and nowhere at the same time. This sentiment will never work out for me, will it? A never-ending string of lose-lose situations? I crave to see You, even just feel Your presence somewhere around me...yet I get nothing. I long to let loose from Your grip, escape the conflicting emotions that emerge at the slightest thought of You...yet You haunt me ubiquitously. Must I dream and always see Your face? Dream. Not only is a dream as close as I can get, it's as real as this can ever be.

Like everything else that was, this too shall pass. Fawn over you now till I eventually get tired. Tired of waiting for nothing. Tired of your splendidness. Ultimately, tired of you. But not now. Not yet. Not while you remain a vital inspiration. Not while you draw out so much from me, so much that I never knew was even there. Not while what I get from you is greater than what you take out of me. Till then, I'll revel in your sweet mystery and wallow in my bitter insatiable longing. But forever, you will be my Lorenzo. And never will I be your Jessica.

Many nothings. Was Lorenzo that dangerous?

2005-01-25T01:01:00.000-08:00

MANY NOTHINGS. WAS LORENZO THAT DANGEROUS?

"Come see, I swear by now I'm playing time against my troubles. I'm coming slow but speeding. I will go in this way and find my own way out. I won't tell you to be. But it's coming to much more...me. All at once the ghosts come back reeling in your mind. What if they came down crashing in a way, used to play all for the loneliness that nobody notices now. I wanted to stay. I wanted to play. I wanted to love you. I'm only this far and only tomorrow leads the way. I'm coming, waltzing back and moving into your head. Please. I wouldn't pass this by, and I wouldn't take any more. And what sort of man goes by. I will bring water. Why won't you ever be glad? It melts into wonder. I came in praying for you. Why won't you run in the rain and play? And let tears splash all over you." (#41. Hrgh, Dave Matthews...)

"Malago ang pilikmata niyon. Balingkinitan ang katawang tulad ng mga Birhen ni Raphael at makipot ang nakangiting labi. Maamo at puno ng kawalang-malay ang mukha niyon." (Noli Me Tangere)

I'm falling in love with the music, the words, and the minds behind them. Minds? Or maybe hearts. Either way, with each stroke of their pen comes words that touch, awake, trigger, intrigue my senses. I wonder what inspired these masterpieces to come alive. Inspiration. Yeah, that's what you are. I need not be near you, yet being awed from afar tears me down piece by piece. You filled a void inside of me yet you blocked something else within me as well. Should all these eventually fall down in regret?

Over and over, shall I keep asking the same question? Asking something while knowing well enough not to expect an answer...for there is no answer. Or is there? An answer that I simply refuse to recognize. I refuse to recognize anything but you. Ah. The paradox of human emotion. I want to but I won't. I need you but I don't. I like this but I can't. I love you but I'm not sure. I am yet I am not. Enter confusion, the never-ending perplexities I aimlessly drown myself in. Just when I think I've figured myself out, the clarity lasts for but a second. And then the second is gone. I become more stirred up than ever and needless to say, I am back at square one. The conflicts I hate most are those I have against myself. Conflicts caused by the likes of you. And mmm, I hate it that I can't resist.

Whoever you are reading this right now, answer me please. A question so perfectly worded...Nararapat bang pigilan ang damdamin na lalong mahulog sa iyo? Or simply...Nararapat bang pigilan ang damdamin? Is it ever right to purposely drive away the emotions taking such comfortable refuge within you?

The too-typical, overused, worn-out ultimate teenage predicament...unrequited love. I do not love anyone neither am I in love with anyone. It's something definitely more shallow than that. Nevertheless, they lie within the same lines. Unreciprocated emotions. Feelings that You can never and will never have. Sentiments change. Emotions grow. Never did it cross my mind that the miniature hold You had on me wouldn't be so little anymore.

Should anyone know? Of course not. Such a minute feeling deserves no place in anyone else's memory. Such a minute feeling can simply be contained, not affecting my train of thought nor the pounding of my heart. Minute feeling. That's all this is.

The eternal question remains. Why? Of all people, I had to be intrigued by Your vagueness. I stalk the mysteries behind Your being, finding out things that strengthen the pull You had on me. Discovering things I'd rather not know, things that heave up my anticipation. With each revelation, I itch to know more, and with that...feel more. With so many reasons screaming out that this can never be, come so many others that whisper to me...it could.

Give me one more night to let it linger. Since the moon keeps raising up my hope, she should be able to help me with this one.

Don't mind the keyboard.

2005-01-23T04:29:00.000-08:00

What I miss about summer: Tan lines. Can't wait for the new bikinis, new tanlines, new...beer? Haha.

I was supposed to see Geron yesterday but no. I was supposed to see Geron today but no. I was supposed to watch Nether's gig today too but no. I'm supposed to do a lot of things but but but...no. Whatta wasted Saturday. And I miss George. =( Why'd he have to go to Singapore? Grawrr. =((

It dawns on me now. Prom is in twenty days. Gals is in twenty-one days. And yes...all the color has just left my face, and all the breath has escaped my being. God, help? Please? My life, in its entirety, has become a downpour. Droplets fall in diverse directions and I can't keep them all together. My thoughts, like my life, has become so scattered so forgive me for the rather random entry ahead of you.

Every chance I get, I stare at those circles carefully positioned on yellow squares. My mind moves them as if strategizing a checkmate in a chess game. Figuring out which goes where, who does what, and if time is kind enough to allow these moves to take place. Symmetry! Radicalism! I can't seem to keep track. I await those rare significant moments when a brilliant idea knocks my sleepiness away. My meticulously sharpened pencil races away before the circles in my head disappear sooner than they're put on paper. Only a million more of those and I'm well on my way. I fear though that it'd take much longer than three weeks before I'm knocked out by a million of those brilliant ideas.

---

I see them everywhere and I can't recall ever feeling this way about it. Yes, it's killing me. Cheezy lines were all that they used to be to me. And funny as it was hearing about how I'd never understand it until I've experienced it...it was more than true. Back to that longing. Once again limited to admiration from afar. Shallow appreciation. Chained to my bed, left in the craters of mere imaginings instead of actual reality. How theatrical. Attraction to someone you're forbidden to have feelings for. Forbidden? Hasn't it been forever true that there are no limitations to feelings of this kind? Yet what is it that's restraining me? Unfortunately, I am well aware of the answer to that. You'll be the Lorenzo to my Jessica. We can run away, change our names, and live in our artificial world. Undisturbed by the malevolence surrounding such an action. Ah, how wonderful that must be...to live in a world all our own. Yet how cowardly to try and escape from every mean, malicious and spiteful creation of this existence. Besides, that plan can only work if you help me out the window. Yet you walk through the streets, searching for the half-opened casement you desire to see, taking no notice of my window fully opened for you.

La la la.

2005-01-22T15:16:00.000-08:00

If anyone's reading this, do me a favor and please tag? I just want to know who actually reads this blog. It freaks me out that some people suddenly know certain things about me all of a sudden. *shivers* Haha. So please tag just so that I know. Haha. Alam kong konti lang naman nagbabasa nito eh. (= Salamat.

And the silver lining...

2005-01-19T20:53:00.000-08:00

Everything's better. We're okay. Everything's okay. We're friends...good friends. Thank you. For everything. You're one of the few people who understood me, or atleast tried to. You put up with all my imperfections and you loved me despite all of them. There'll never be another you in my life. You taught me so much...about myself, about love, about life, about everything. 'Cause of you, I'm stronger, I know better, and I'm not so scared anymore. I didn't know I could cry over someone that much...that I could love someone that much...that I could care for someone that much. I've grown so much because of you. And I've been through so much with you. I'll miss those times, of course. But I'll never forget. 'Cause I don't want to. I won't leave you. 'Cause I don't want to. And you're still here. You won't leave me either. I won't lose you. Whatever happened won't change anything. Nuh uh, it'll never change. No one'll ever replace you. Promise. There are so many things I want to say to you...because there are so many things you've given me. But I'll leave it at that. Alam mo na naman eh. Una. 'Nuff said. You gave me more to live for, more than you'll ever know. (=

Oh. Haven't done this in awhile. What I loved about last summer: Having you there. Of course, the rest of the year won't be any different right? (=

Bull's eye.

2005-01-18T01:46:00.000-08:00

Got this from someone's Tabulas:
"I found out that we're all breaking hearts...that we're all broken hearts."

Now I know I put us both through hell...

AFFECTION COULD NOT COMPENSATE, PLEASURE COULD NOT COMPENSATE. thoughts in my head come and go.

2005-01-17T21:44:00.000-08:00

You think you know everything, but you don't know shit. Please, kahit ngayong lang, back off.

---

I never thought I'd be the one to do that. I've always been too scared of getting hurt by someone I love...it never crossed my mind that I would cause that very person so much pain. I guess this is what happens when the mirrors are turned. I felt so selfish. That I was the one to cause all this yet I felt so helpless. If it hurts this much for me, I can only imagine how you feel. And I'm sorry. All I could do was cry. It felt like the only thing I was capable of doing. I couldn't even leave my room because when I do, I have to pretend that everything's okay when it's not. And it's so hard. It's so hard. I'm tired of crying. I want to stop. I want to put everything at the back of my head and just forget about this for awhile. Hard as I try, I can't.

I was talking to a friend today. She said that all she wanted to hear from him was that she was all he ever wanted. Coz she felt that she wasn't, that he needed something she wasn't giving him. And I can imagine how that would hurt. And then I thought...what if this is how he feels. I know I was wrong. But I don't know what else I can do right now. And the only person that I thought could and would help me is, apparently, unable to. It's either that or ayaw lang talaga niya. Grarr. I don't know anymore. Not wanting to sound like a drama queen but...literally everything seems to be screwed up right now. Ayoko na. Right now I feel like just giving up. Oh wait...I already have, haven't I. =/

I want to do everything I can to make the pain you're feeling go away. If I could, I really really would. If I'm able to cause you all this pain, I should be able to make it go away too, right? But but but. Wala eh. Aside from wanting to not make you feel hurt anymore, I don't know what else I want anymore. I know everything has its downside...it's just that nothing seems to have an upside to me now. Maybe I'm just too blind to see them from where I'm sitting. Or maybe there's just something in me that refuses to see.

Maiiwasan ba?

I am so sorry.

2005-01-16T22:50:00.000-08:00

Where do we go from here? It's beating me down. It's tearing me down. Well tonight, I'm feeling emotional. Lonely here tonight, it's not helpong me at all. It doesn't make it better that you're gone. It doesn't ease the pain at all that you're gone. I scratch against the walls. I drown myself in tears. Imagine your hold but it doesn't feel as real. And I cry myself dry. It's all over now. And you'll never be around.

One hand on the trigger of the telephone. Wondering when the call comes where you say it's alright. You've got your heart right. Two wrongs make it all alright tonight. We're tired, battered fighters. And it stings...there's nothing to blame at the drop of your name. I'll check the weather wherever you are coz I wanna know if you can see the stars tonight. It might be my only right. We share the sadness. I called because I just need to feel you on the line. Don't hang up this time. And I know it was me who called it over but I still wish you'd fought me till your dying day. Don't let me get away. Coz I can't wait to figure out what's wrong with me. So I can say this is the way that I used to be. There's no substitute for time. Or for the sadness. Split screen sadness.

Dalawang araw na 'ko umiiyak pero hindi pa rin ako nauubusan ng luha.

This will all fall down? Like everything else that was, this too must end? And all of the words I said, I can't take back? You can't replace all of the wasted days, the memory of my face? Can't help thinking maybe if we ever could've kept it all together, where would we be? A thousand lost forever's and the promises I never was giving you? It won't be the first - heart that I'll break? It won't be the last - beautiful girl? The one that I wrecked won't take me back, if I were the last beautiful girl in the world? Should I tell you one more time that I'm sorry about the way this all went down? I needed to find my space, needed to still be friends? I needed you to call me if you ever couldn't keep it all together, I'd comfort you? Tell you about forever and the promises you never should have believed? I AM SO SORRY...

I never wanted to hurt you. Never.

SAD. HAPPY. ECSTATIC. BLISSFUL! SAD. FRUSTRATED. DEPRESSED. GRARRR-ful. hodgepodge of emotions.

2005-01-14T05:53:00.000-08:00

Report card day. Mediocre grades. Tsk. School is the bane of my existence. How I miss grade school. I want to be a kid again and a smart one at that. Sweet sunshine and late mornings, I long to meet you again. You're just what I need. Too bad you're months away.

KLSP was launched yesterday and I vowed not to miss it for the world. Hence, I found every way to get there. I arrived in Eastwood at 10 and met up with Cam and Pia. (Thanks guys, you lit up my entire day!) Setting foot on the second floor, he walked past, right behind me...Yael. What a way to kick off the night. Despite the many times I've seen him, I always get so (for the lack of a better term) kilig. Haha. We entered in the middle of Mayonnaise's performance and they were wow. Rampqueen played next and they were awesome. A new crush...Saul. What is it with me and bandistas? Anyway, we were able to squeeze into the front and everyone was walking past us. I didn't mind since I was having a great time. Suddenly, someone tapped my shoulder. I looked back and surprise, surprise! It was Yael, a few inches shorter than I was. He never appeared to be that small before. Anyway, he was beside me for the whole duration of Rampqueen's set. Woo...no words. (= They were supposed to show the video already but after several failed attempts at the screwed up technical system and a couple of lame but adorable time-killers, Spongecola decided to perform already. On the Floor, Lunes, 22, Jillian, Kaleidoscope, KLSP, Jeepney...and Una. Una, I couldn't help but get teary-eyed while they played it. Hay. It was an excellent set. After they played, everyone went down to finally watch the video. It's not the greatest video but it was okay. I love love love Spongecola. Too bad I didn't see Cams though. Grarr.

Every line that I read, song that I hear, anything remotely connected to you, every memory that's triggered in my head feels like a stab at my heart. I got what I wanted...but why do I feel like shit? I never wanted it to end this way. But it's over. And whether or not you want to remain friends is something I have no say in. Blame me. I know it's my fault. I'm sorry for being stupid. I'm sorry for not knowing what to do. I'm sorry if you feel like I left you hanging. I'm sorry for changing just. like. that. I'm sorry I don't feel the same. I'm sorry that I have no control over my feelings. I'm so sorry for hurting you over and over again. Cliches, all cliches...I know. But I'm sorry for causing you so much pain. Atleast this time, it's the last. I never meant to. I never meant for any of this to happen. Never ever. I would've done anything I could if I knew it was going to turn out this way. You probably hate me right now but if that's what makes you feel better, then so be it. I don't know what else I can say to you. Please don't think that I never meant all of the things I said to you, don't think that they were all empty words. They weren't. I didn't want to lose you nor did I want you to just disappear from my life...but I guess I have no choice in that matter either. I don't expect you to understand. I don't expect you to forgive me. I don't expect anything from you. I have no right to. I just...I just hate it that we're like this. And I'm sorry for making it happen. You once asked me if we'd still be friends if ever this doesn't work out...and I said yes. What ever happened to that? What ever happened to us? Hay. I'm sorry. =/

Dinaramdam ko ng husto ang paglaho ng pag-ibig na 'to.

'Di alam, walang patutunguhan. 'Di sinasadya. 'Di ko sinasadya.

As for you...nararapat bang pigilan ang damdamin? Haayy nako. =(

What a crappy ending to my perfect Spongecola day. =/

THE SEEMINGLY LIT ROOM'S VEILED BY THE SAME STAR

2005-01-14T05:31:00.000-08:00

Why can't you see me like I see you? Can't you feel me like I feel you? Can't you be with me tonight? Funny how such a simple line can encompass so many things. A dream. That's what you simply are. I watch you from afar and I know that that's as near as I can get. In those few times, in those very shallow moments have I found joy in the simple things in life...something I've been unable to do for quite awhile now. Over the most shallow words, I taste the kind of happiness that I've long been craving for. It gets me hooked on it so badly and it pains me that only through subtle hints will I ever have a taste of it again. What sickens me more is the bitter aftertaste that it always comes with. ALWAYS. It never ceases to make my head turn and my insides hurt. While you unwearyingly focus on her, the most I can do is stay behind the curtains and centre my attention on you. Makasama ka'y suntok sa buwan. Hindi ko 'to gusto...pero 'wag kang lalayo.

You're everywhere. And it annoys me how I don't understand what that's trying to tell me. This isn't as if you were always there, and I just never noticed. But really, you've suddenly dominated the world I've carefully built for myself...and because of you, that world is on the brink of crumbling down. What's worse is that I don't care that I have to rebuild it...just as long as I do it around you. I should care. I want to care. But I don't. You've found a way to seep into every little part of my life and I hate it. How am I supposed to forget about you when I can find no means of escaping from the very idea of you. You've caused yet another dilemma to envelope my thoughts. What's more is that you haven't the slightest idea that you're doing this to me. Kasalanan ko bang ito ang nararamdaman ko? Kasalanan ba? =/

You will never really see me. I am invisible to you and I've no expectations of that ever changing. It's just so strange that you appear in morning talk, in Lit class, on my playlist, even on the markings that black permanent markers leave. Like how I always spot the moon on a cloudy night yet the moon can't even see me from way up there...not like the moon will ever even care to catch a glimpse.

What strikes so much unease within me is the similarity. The resemblance. In so many aspects, and in so many people. I dare not go into detail. It freaks me out too much.

I've drowned myself in endless thoughts of how this can never be. The more I flail around to catch a breath, the more I sink into the waves that aim to swallow me up. The knowledgeable think more and feel less. The courageous think less and feel more. Where do I dare fall under?

This is unfair to everyone. But how do you satisfy someone else if you can hardly satisfy yourself? This is taking so much out of me. Nararapat bang pigilan ang damdamin?

I want to be able to think straight again. My mind's been in such a daze and I've been zoning out too often. My body refuses to get rest and my heart...well, let's not get into that. More than wanting to think clearly though, I want to feel freely. No restrictions. No hindrances. No limitations. I want to be able to let myself feel as much love and care, or anger and hatred for anyone at all. It's all too much to keep inside and though I can't let my feelings take control over me, neither am I able to get a hold of them.

Ayoko na. 'Di sinasadya. 'Di ko sinasadya.

Maligayang bati.

2005-01-13T02:50:00.000-08:00

Happy birthday, Jowell! Ang tanda mo na! Well, matanda ka na naman to begin with so there. *bow* :D Haha!

And belated happy birthday, Mildred...er, Melinda pala! (January 12) Haha, don't trip now dear. You're the best secretary ever! Be proud that the most punctual student of III-2 hasn't been late for quite awhile now. Hehe.

NEVER EVER.

2005-01-12T04:17:00.000-08:00

The moon keeps building up my hope. I know that deep inside, it will never be. To try to supress the feelings is wrong, as I've learned. But I know that for so long, you've been doing the same...though not for me. I don't mind. Getting my hopes up and letting it fall back down...I know it's gonna happen. And I'll let it happen. I'll get hurt. For some reason, that feeling that I've been so afraid of seems so minute now. Because I know that in this case, it'll happen no matter what. And I'll let it happen. The "pain" I've been so tired of feeling...the exhaustion too. I'll get over it, sooner than others, I suppose. I'll let it happen. I don't really mind. I'll no longer resort to suppressing these damned feelings. Just as badly though, I'll just sit here blindly and do nothing. Absolutely nothing. And maybe, with you, this isn't the wrong thing to do.

Of course, I can't help but wonder what you're doing here right now. If you really are here, that is...

Currently listening to: Silence. And the sounds of the keyboard too.

Hay. This isn't good.

UNREALITY BITES.

2005-01-11T05:36:00.000-08:00

Today's what I love about summer: Beeeeeeeeeer. In all the sense of the word, right Pukas? Grarr. Soon soon. Till then...Cheers!

Sleeplessness has hindered me from thinking straight. I'm guessing it'll be that way for awhile. Till someone knocks some sense into my stupid head...or knocks the nonsense out of it, I'll be enduring nights and mornings without sleep. It's during these hours that I enter a new world. Call it baloney, ridiculous pigments of my imagination...but I personally like to think of it as an entirely different dimension, an infinately diverse new reality. At a certain tick of the clock, reality seems to drift from me...rather, I drift away from everyone else's reality. In this reality, my world goes by in a second but each second is magnified, a particular event happening in each passing of time. I pay closer attention...not wanting to miss any incident that might ensue in each fraction of a moment, fearing that one glance away from that made-up reality would tip me off base. Amazing how much can speed by you in such magnified quantities. Then at another tick, time slows down. Reality as the rest of the world knows it hits me and bops me off the chair. Head shaking, I get up trying to remember as vividly as possible the events of the past six hours...but to no avail. Shameful just how vaguely I can manage to recount those events, what more when I try to put them into words. Those overblown instances are too much, too illusive, too incredible for the reality we normally live in. A reality where time is taken for granted, shoved aside with us thinking that tomorrow will be there. Precious moments pass us by in each blink. And it stings to know that only within several hours can I witness the world with such great extravagance, not letting even a second pass me without care. In the depths of my anomalous mind and ruthlessly bizarre soul, it pains me to let time pass knowing that hard as I try to see it...the seconds that pass within the hours of "standard reality" conceal mountains upon mountains of great occurences that our eyes could never peek into. In time however, my soul will be ready to delve into that unusual dimension...seeking the moments that lie beyond our physical senses and eventually, getting the answers that standard reality cannot give. I expect if not few, then none at all, to even understand these psycho thoughts about the new world that time pushes me into. Standard reality then is merely a state of mind that's been drilled into everyone's way of living. The unusual reality, unreality, is a state of being that varies from one person to the next...where everything is seen, or felt, in a minimalist or amplified perspective. I, for one, prefer to live in my unreality.

Alas, it comprises but one quarter of my day. =\

Currently feeling: Like not going to school.

Currently listening to: Jeff Buckley - Last Goodbye

I hate to feel the love between us die. You gave me more to live for, more than you'll ever know. Kiss me out of desire and not consolation. You know it makes me angry coz I know in time, I'll only make you cry. This is our last goodbye.

Rude Awakening. =/

2005-01-09T20:48:00.000-08:00

Currently listening to: U2 - WIth or Without You
---
I wait for you. Slight of hand and twist of fate...and I wait without you. With or without you.
I can't live with or without you. And you give yourself away. And you give and you give and you give yourself away...got me with nothing to win and nothing left to lose. With or without you. Hay nako.
---
I've been hit with a severe case of nostalgia. Yearning for what was and what might never again be. But I dare not force it to return. So many things left to consider...things that contradict each other no matter which perspective you're looking from. The damn ironies of life will never cease to confuse us. And as human nature dictates, we will never cease to try and understand them...resulting to even more confusion in the end. Uncertainty, confusion, perplexity, however way you put it...will always be part of our lives. Face it, we're not meant to understand everything. The challenge of life is right there...learning how to live with all the things we can't comprehend. I've come to learn that we shouldn't try to solve the mysteries behind our feelings, nor should we always try to find the missing piece of the puzzle. We'll never find all the answers to everything. As I've been told, do what you think is right and everything will eventually fall into place. In the end, it is never really our own entire plan that is carried out. Everything we've done and will do, everything we've gone through and will go through is not of our own making. Of course we have the will to choose which way to go but either way, we will eventually end up doing what has been previously planned for us. A wise though terrifying person has told us this: Mission over ambition. Whatever happens to us, good or bad, might just be His way of reminding us that this is the way to go. Learning to trust those reminders is difficult but whether we follow that or not is a choice we make on our own. Leaving things up to one who knows best isn't always easy. Heck, we all know it's one of the most difficult things to do. Think about it, letting go and risking a big part of yourself to someone who might not even really be there? That's one tough call. But...trust. Few people have mastered what we all are called to do. To simply trust. Especially for matters of such great intricacy, should I say...love? Moments come when you simply don't understand. You're left in such a harsh state of misery and confusion...not knowing what to do. But...trust. To hold on or to let go is a difficult decision to make all in itself. I've learned so awfully that it's something you can't hasten. Hard as we try to break down every little detail just to understand, sometimes we just can't. Trust. Let whatever's there be. Don't try to understand. Don't force anything. Don't force yourself to feel and just as significantly, don't force yourself to not feel. Don't stop the feeling that is already there. Believe me on this, it's such a regrettable thing to do. What we get out of the right and wrong things we do will make us stronger, wiser and ultimately, better people in the end.
---
Currently listening to: Typecast - February
---
I remember every moment I'm with you. The season is changing, summer is here. I wish to be with you. I want to hear. Here I am, expecting for the best. There you are, a hundred miles away. There's nothing to do. I'm so into you. The TV won't mean anything now...you're the one, you're everything I need. The mystical February sky, when can I see you again? I don't want to spend this summer alone. Alone.

AFTERPARTYhgydshmdnvsaoiytidhfklhGIBBERISH

2005-01-09T05:03:00.000-08:00

Since Ralf complained about my font being too small, i'm making it bigger! Haha. I was not drunk, you idj! Haha. Well Venido was a lot of fun for me, surprisingly. The bands were good, especially Barely Legal! GO SAM! Chubibo was good too. I really wish that Nether could have performed though. Hay. Grarr. =/ We danced like crazy, even when no one else would. And despite the banning of drinks in the party, we were still able to drink the night away which was really fun. Admittedly, the bar...er, WAR CAR was the shit. It was great seeing a lot of old friends, meeting new ones and bonding with those I have now...especially my barkada. Thank you guys for making this one helluva memorable night. Even if...hay. If only. But oh well. I had an awesome time mainly because of the company. Hope to see everyone soon...anyone care for Venido II? Haha, nah. (=
---
Today's what I love about summer: Non stop parties. Come on. What's not to love about that? Why wait till the weekend to party when you can do it everyday? Haha. Oh well. Till then...Cheers!
---
Grarr. I don't understand either of you. In Venido, I was able to forget about this shit for a few hours. Apparently, "a few hours" isn't enough. Come along and make me forget about this for real.
---
Current mood: Happy yet discontented. :-?
Currently listening to: Urbandub - Quiet Poetic
---
We're caught up in our little world...Quiet poetic, her body breaks into rhyme. Her tongue is her mind. She speaks through her eyes. Her move says it all.

VENIDO TONIGHT.

2005-01-08T16:53:00.000-08:00

- 7 Ideal St. Mandaluyong - 7 pm onwards - P120 - Come and be hot. Dance and drink the night away. -
---
I thought I'd be in gym today but nooooo...I wasn't allowed because of my stupid knee. Grarr. Stupid stupid. I was so excited to go back to gym pa naman. Oh rawr. I will be in CSA next Saturday. I will, I will, I will. Hmph. =S

Tomorrow you'll be worlds away, and yet with you my world has started.

Congratulations to those who got in Ateneo.

Less than a year to go before I actually go through that, all those review classes (which I'm too lazy to take =/), entrance tests, college applications, interviews...and then, college itself. Time has gone by so fast. In a blink, more than half of junior year has passed. I have but one year of high school left. And before I know it, that will be over too. I can't imagine having to make such big assessments that will ultimately judge my future. I keep telling myself that I'm too young to be thinking about college, let alone my future. If I can hardly decide who to take to my prom, how would I manage to choose the actual path I'm gonna have to follow for the rest of my life? Soon enough, the grades I've been taking for granted might lay down the road that I'll have to pursue. I don't even know why it's so hard for me to decide. Am I too scared of making mistakes? Am I scared of being a failure? Am I too attached to what is here and now and I'm scared of putting those things in jeopardy? Scared. Fear is my ultimate reason. You can't keep on running from it. You can't keep letting someone else face them for you or else in time, you'll be swallowed up by your own fears and no one will be there to fight it but you. I just hope that when that time comes for me, I'll be brave enough to confront it alone. Then again, the moments for us to fight fear come every minute of every day...and the fact that we're able to go on day after day is proof enough that we are actually more courageous than we think.
---
Party in a few hours! Ack. This house is too much for me to handle on the night of my preprom. Oh well...there's nothing like dancing and drinking away your worries with your friends. ...If only...Rawr.

Currently feeling: Crappy. Confused. And unaware of what I'm gonna wear later.
Currently listening to: MXPX - Sometimes You Have to Ask Yourself

Manifest individuality. Manifest a sense of reality. Because it's non-exclusive, don't be so illusively blind. Things are never what they seem. You don't know what you'll find...right now!

Ack. The four o'clock bug.

2005-01-08T04:22:00.000-08:00

I can't believe I'm actually giving one reason for loving summer per day. Can you say loser? Say it with me...LOSER. Thank you. (=

So anyway, today's what I love about summer: Going to gym(nastics) in CSA three or more times a week. Ack, I miss gym and I miss George! I want to do backtucks already but rarr, school is such a nuisance. Oh well, atleast I'm gonna be in gym later after what seems like forever. Haay...this time, we will start at 9. Can't wait till my Tuesdays and Thursdays are booked with gym again though. Till then...Cheers!

I noticed that all I've actually been thinking about is Hardcourt, school and that. But still, school takes the cake for the uncountable times it's made my head hurt. What's happening to my life? Is my life revolving around something that I absolutely loathe? My social life is gradually disappearing. My sleeping habits have been getting worse and worse every day. Heck, I can barely keep track of the pages we have to read and the notes we have to take down! And for what? Mediocre grades and fast-increasing blood pressure?! Hay. I have enough problems to begin with. I don't need any more of them to waste my brain cells and to cause zits to appear on my face, thank you very much.

To everyone who will receive their grades soon, best of luck! Just remember, grades aren't a measure of who you are or how much you know. They're simply numbers that gauge just how badly your parents will ground you. :D Haha kidding. Chins up, friends. We'll all get through this together. (= And for the smart asses out there, bleeeeeeeeeeeh! >:P Hehe.
---
Heeey, It's technically the eighth already. So good luck to all the seniors waiting for their Ateneo results. Best of luck!
---
I wanna see people later! A lot of people! But but but. Grarr. I know I won't. I know I'll look back on this and laugh at how stupid I must be. But as of now, I don't care that I'm being stupid though I know that in some way, I might regret it. This is unreal and I know it. However wrong this is right now, I don't care coz I don't really want to be right anyway. If I've made this many mistakes already, sasagarin ko na ngayon. Hay nako. Stubborn. And I complain about why I have so many problems. But seriously, it's not as if I'm gonna do anything about it so I guess, there's no harm in this. Atleast this time, I know that the only one I'm putting on the line is me, and not anyone else. And I'm willing to risk it. I've missed this feeling anyway. Grrraw. This is as unpromising as unpromising can get. =/

Currently feeling: Needy. Stubborn. Wishful yet hopeless. Grarr-ful. And excited to go to gym(nastics) later.
Currently listening to: Sugarfree - Telepono (Demo Version)

Ngunit bakit ngayon, malamig 'ka bigla...wala man lang "hello." Naririnig mo ba ako? 'Di na kita naiintindihan. Malabo na ba ang linya sa ating dalawa? Hello? Gising ka pa kaya? Tuwing gabi, 'pag nagriring ang telepono, ikaw ang naiisip ko.

Tired to the extremes. Haay.

2005-01-07T23:11:00.000-08:00

Today's what I love about summer: The beach, of course! That in itself is already understandable. Ah, can't wait to meet you again! Till then...Cheers!
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Just saw Cruel Intentions again for the nth time tonight. I absolutely love that movie. From the moment I hear Every You Every Me and see Ryan Philippe driving in that hot black car to the dramatic scene in the train station with Colorblind in the background till the end when Reese Witherspoon drives down the highway to Bittersweet Symphony. Haha. Aah, one of my all-time favorite movies. "Because I don't trust myself with you." "Here you go preaching about waiting for love. Well here it is standing right in front of you and you're turning your back on it. I...I will move on. But you...you will spend the rest of your life knowing you turned your back on love and that makes you a hypocrite." "That's okay, I don't love you either. I love Ronald. Hah!" "People don't change overnight. You and me, we're two of a kind." "You mean nothing to me. You were just a conquest." "I succeeded in hurting the first person I ever loved." Hmm, why'd Sebastian have to die? =(
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I wanted to watch Loquy in Peligro tonight but I fell asleep. That means I won't be able to get any more sleep till tomorrow night. Shit, my body clock is screwed up like hell. SLEEP is no longer part of my vocabulary nor my routine. I get 5 hours of sleep a day, at the most. Seriously, I think this is real insomnia at work. No matter how much I want to sleep already, I can't. The feeling is like taking V's...the thrill in it is that nilalabanan mo yung antok. The difference with me is that I don't try to fight the urge to sleep, I don't even want to fight it...it's just that my body simply fights it on its own. Oh, and no, I don't take V's. Grarr. I feel so physically, mentally and emotionally drained. Every inch of me is tired and is badly in need of rest...if only my own body would allow it. >:P

Despite my exhasution, I will still go to Venido...of course. When have I ever missed our parties? I'm not so excited though, for more than one reason...too many other things to worry about, I'm too tired to be excited, and reasons I'd rather not mention in a public blog. But of course, YOU ALL SHOULD GO BECAUSE I SAID SO. Hehe. Kidding. GO COZ IT'LL BE FUN AND YOU'LL BE MISSING OUT ON A LOT IF YOU DON'T SHOW UP. :P See you tomorrow at 7 Ideal St. Mandaluyong. 7 pm - Entrance at P 120.

Ack. Too tired to think. Later.

Currently feeling: Tired to the extreme...you have no idea. =/
Currently listening to: Counting Crows - Colorblind

I am colorblind...Pull me out from inside. I am covered in skin. No one gets to come in. I am folded and unfolded and unfolding, I am colorblind. I am ready, I am fine.

Blah's in my mind still end up as blah's on paper. =/

2005-01-06T23:19:00.000-08:00

Today's what I love about summer: Chatting with my insomniac chatmates till after the sun rises. I miss you, summer chatmates! Konting tiis na lang, balik ulit tayo sa walang tulugan. Till then...Cheers!
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Strangely, I was in school very early this morning. That's a rare occasion considering that I'm the girl who's one Tardy slip away from an MS. As much as I didn't even want to wake up for school today, it felt nice being in the deserted hallways that morning, just bonding with Sam. I missed you, bangager! Can't wait to talk to you again. Anyway, the halls grew noisier and more crowded by the second. And before we knew it, the first bell rang all too soon.

It's only our fourth day back from the break but it seems as if we're already carrying such a heavy load. I thought that actually being responsible for the remaining months of the school year would prevent the load from piling up so quickly but I thought wrong. Everyone's already so busy and preoccupied about so many things. There's our term exam grades for one thing, the upcoming report card day, our research paper, investigatory project and what have you PLUS our "preprom" and the real prom. Ack. =/ My batch literally sounds so tired and stressed. Because we are. I've said it once, I've said it twice and I'll say it again...I've never hated school this much. Grarr.
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I find myself going online and looking for "something" that I shouldn't even be thinking about. (Not porn, you perverts!) I know that this is just a phase, it won't last. But I'd really feel much better if it passes sooner. It wouldn't be so bad if it weren't such a duplication of those summer nights...with one very distinct exception.

All the papers lie tonight but falling over you is the news of the day. Angels fall like rain and love is all of heaven way...and he don't fade. The ghost in you and he don't fade away.

Oh, remember how badly I wanted it to rain yesterday? Well, that absurd wish was merely delayed, I guess. Out of nowhere, it just suddenly rained a bit. That sure made my day. Wishes, even those that seem ridiculous to us, can come true. Can it really be true that someone out there is really listening to our every desire? Could be. Maybe sometimes, we just need to wait a little bit...our wishes could already be reality without us even noticing.

Thank You for reassuring me that You're still there to listen. And thanks for sending me someone who did. Someone who actually proved to me that in an absurd way, You still do. I needed that a lot. (=

Miracle drug.

2005-01-06T03:44:00.000-08:00

Hindi ko na kaya. I've been trying to get this whole thing out of my mind but to no avail. I've exhausted myself by just trying to concentrate on these damn notecards but I can't even do that anymore. I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling this. I'm tired of not knowing what I feel. I'm tired of being confused. How can I be so set on something and end up chickening out from it at the last minute? How can I be so set on something one day and so against it the next? I'm tired of hurting you. So so tired. I know I don't wanna hurt you. What I didn't know was that I already am hurting you. I'm hurting you without you knowing it. If I hurt you again, I want that to be the last time I ever will. You know it makes me angry coz I know in time, I'll only make you cry. Love, supposedly, never gets tired. Only people do. And yes, it hits me now. Love? What was I thinking? Why don't you reveal yourself now? How can you come and go just. like. that. You caught me offguard and now, no matter how much I want to keep that person and myself, for that matter, from getting hurt...I can't.

I hate to feel the love between us die...You gave me more to live for, more than you'll ever know. Sayang daw...wasting what we have. But if that "something" that used to be there isn't there anymore, what do you do? Can you force it to come back? Do you just wait and see if it ever does return? Do you even try to get it back? By trying, are you actually preventing it from returning to you?

You've been able to change my mind about one thing I've always believed in...that there's only one kind of love, that they only differ in their manifestations. I don't believe that's true anymore. I guess I still do love you. Just not in the same way as before. If that hurts you even more...then I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. I wish I could do something to just make it go away. I don't want to lose you. But if keeping me away will make you happy, so be it...even if it does hurt. I'm sorry. Coming from me, that line must be so scratched up. But I am.

I'm tired of trying to cry this away. I'm tired of trying to numb myself from it. I'm tired of trying to ignore it. I'm tired of all the nights and in most cases, mornings I've spent contemplating over this. Over us? Haay. Pain. I'm tired of it. Sick and tired of it all.

I've had enough of romantic love. I'd give it up, yeah, I'd give it up. There is no FAILure here, sweetheart...just when you quit. I'm sorry...I think I'm just about to fail.

HAPPY CHAMP DAY and other short stories.

2005-01-05T21:35:00.000-08:00

Today is January 5! The very first Champ day of the year. Happy Champ Day, Champ friends! In a few months, we'll be having our anniversary! Wahoo!

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We were sitting on the cold, cracked floor, staring at a computer monitor with the words "Medieval Art" flashed in large calligraphy-style letters of blue and red on a solid black background. Even with my keen interest in castles and palaces of the time, my mind couldn't help but wander off into a dimension of its own making. Absolutely nonsensical thoughts bombarded me from left and right. My mind was all too eager to be freed from this contained and locked-up atmosphere. It was the first period of the day and I wanted out. I distinctly remember hearing "...and this is the Notre Dame...the most famous Rose window...depicts the life of Moses..." in the background while my mind drifted to my ridiculous cravings this morning. I craved for it to rain. I wanted so badly to hear the sound of raindrops rapidly hitting the roof and the windows. I wanted so badly to smell the distinct fragrance of rain. I wanted so badly to feel the chilly damp air that the rain never ceases to bring. I just wanted oh so badly for it to rain. =( I craved for it to be night time. I wanted so badly for it to be dark. I wanted so badly to gaze at the stars. I wanted so badly to look for Orion. Most of all, I wanted so badly to stare stupidly at the radiance of the moon. At the same time though, I hated the thought of letting that very same magnificence get my hopes up once again only to fall back with nothing...more deceived and disappointed yet more in awe than ever. Luna, the most aggravating manifestation of fickleness. I love it nevertheless. And I'll still hang around and wait for each changing phase...plenilunio to novilunio. Needless to say, my absurd wishes weren't granted that morning.

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I usually love hearing my name over the PA because I can't wait to get home on a normal school day. By "normal school day", I mean the days when we have no training. Today however, I dreaded hearing "Camel Hemala" over the paging system. We had training and I couldn't be there. =( I hated how I couldn't train because of my knee and I hated not being able to even stay with Hardcourt today. I walked, er, limped down the stairs rather, in my uniform and not in my training clothes and it suddenly hit me how long I haven't rolled around the Assumpta Court and how long I haven't danced with or even seen my teammates. I miss them so much. The feeling I get from simply being with them is unlike any other and I wouldn't trade it for anything at all. Nuh-uh, not anything. I could ramble all night about why I love Hardcourt so much but with something like this, I'd rather leave it unsaid. Mere words won't do my feelings much justice. You can't even imagine how big a part of my life I owe to Hardcourt and I would literally not know who I'd be without them. I don't think anything else in my life has affected me with as much gravity as this has. I love HC, what more my team, more than words can ever ever express. =D

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On my sorry way home from school at around 5 (!!!) in the afternoon, I gawked at the beauty of the sky. It was unusually blue, instead of grey and the clouds were noticeably high, white and fluffy. So much so that I decided to play a game with myself to see what shapes they could form. I saw a whale puffing out cigarette smoke, a Knick-knack and I think I spotted a gargoyle too. I think those flying buttresses really stuck to my head today. =/ Anyway, it reminded me once again of how much I miss summer. So I decided that today until the last day of school, I'll identify one thing that I love about my summer. This one, having to be the first: Finding cloud shapes with the Pukas on our way to Batangas. I think I remember being able to spot God? Hehe. I miss you, my lovely Pukas! Till our next trip...cheers!

It's been a summer.

2005-01-05T01:09:00.000-08:00

I love eating mangoes in the summer. Mmm...imagine being on the beach while wearing a bikini and basking under the heat of the high sun. Peeling off the thin, ripe yellow skin like a banana reveals the sweet fragrance of the mango. Sink your teeth into the delectable fruit and feel the juice flow down your lips, chin and fingers. Each bite is sweeter, juicier and messier than the last until all you're left with are the mango peelings and the huge core that is the fruit's seed. Mmm mmm mmm. I wish it were summer again.

If you're reading this, then that means you've discovered my new blog. Haha. I'm bored and I wanted nice skins and since you can't add skins on Xanga classic, I've decided to try Blogger. If I'm still not satisfied, expect me to have Tabulas, LiveJournal or what have you. Haha. Just kidding.

Everyone is off to school again today. Just another three months of pointless lessons in a suffocating four-walled hellhole called a "classroom" and we're finally back to summer. How I wish my mind weren't in the summer mode right now but oh well, it's fun to daydream about the beach, the sun and the well-deserved (Ahem.) free time. Bikinis and Boracay, wait for me.